Hack Love #3

Sarah is @#$%-ing LIV-id! OK, not really. Mildly LIV-id, maybe.

By Sarah Kuhn
January 16, 2003

For the most part, I have no shame when it comes to outlandishly premised reality television. Bachelorettes in Alaska? Why, yes please, I will happily slurp up all six episodes, even though this show is quite obviously and happily ensconced in the Great Third Tier of Popular Culture, right next to Jessica Simpson and the Corey that never “broke out” in the same manner as Haim or Feldman. Sorority Life? Drunken girls stumbling around with vats of MAC cosmetics piled on top of their faces? Sure, why not? Real World/Road Rules Challenge? You bet your ass — how can one resist the spectacle of the familiar gaggle of cast members (some of whom are pushing 40) bickering and crabbing and backstabbing? Someone who’s made of stronger stuff than I.

But…I guess all good things must come to an end, and I’m about ready to start limiting my reality TV intake. It’s that damn Joe Millionaire. Just can’t take it, especially considering that Firefly is no longer part of the Fox line-up. I know I should probably provide a more rambling and insightful explanation of why exactly Joe Millionaire sent me over the edge, but I actually don’t think the reasons are that compelling. He’s, um, stupid. Some of the women are stupid as well. That’s about all I got.

OK, here’s something: somehow, in my imagination, I’ve concocted a scenario where poor little Firefly is gone because of Joe Millionaire, that Serenity was crushed by a hulking French chateau, and that gorgeous Gina Torres has been reduced to running around and fetching ugly-ass prom gowns and crates of AquaNet for these stupid women. All ludicrous, I know. In truth, JM does a bang up job in the ratings and Gina Torres had a gorgeous wedding (as seen in InStyle) to gorgeous Laurence Fishburne, and will probably go on to have an equally gorgeous career and possibly some insanely agile Morpheus/Zoe hybrid offspring, if she so desires.

Still…the fact remains that this show is on Fox and Firefly is not, and it’s enough for me to re-evaluate my watching habits, and strike at least a few reality-type shows from the line-up. So let’s get to it.

Real World/Road Rules Challenge: Battle of the Sexes: It’s got former cast members, stupid competitions, and various ongoing feuds. I am especially captivated by the Melissa vs. Julie fight, which has spilled over onto various cast members’ websites (making the show a true interactive experience!). I may rag on some of the older cast members for pushing 40, but I’ll probably be well over 40 and still watching this crap. So it stays…for now. Oh, and for the record, I gotta back Melissa on this one cause she’s always been one of my favorite cast members.

American Idol 2: I don’t know. I don’t think true love can strike twice. And there probably won’t be any stoned guys singing “Silent Night.” I’ll give it a miss, or maybe just tune in for the final episode.

The Surreal Life: Corey Feldman is such an ass. And Webster’s maniacal giggle…there are no words. But it’s a limited run, and who doesn’t want more reasons to harsh on Corey Feldman? I’ll watch it if it’s on, but won’t make an effort.

The Osbournes: Still a lot of fun. Moments like the whole McRib thing simply cannot be duplicated. I’ll stay with it, even though there suddenly seem to be a lot more people milling about the Osbourne homestead.

Sorority Life 2: Once again, I just don’t think the second go-round will be as captivating as the first. So, nah.

The Real World: Las Vegas: I don’t remotely like anyone on this show. There’s no one to root for. It’s all just fighting and sexing and doing bad dance numbers in overalls. So yeah, no more.

So that leaves me the Challenge, The Osbournes, and possibly some Surreal Life. That’s not bad, right? Right?! And as long as there’s no Cecile busting out with “I was fucking LIV-id,” I’ll give any future installments ofBachelorettes a miss as well.


It’s killing me (and my wife, and my cats, and possibly, my baby) just knowing that Cordy and Conner just shared all kinds of on-screen “Ewww” and you won’t be there to comment or hash, or train your stake-like focus on it. Please, please, please come back and rescue us from the lack of quality Angel reviews!

Dear Anthony,
Much as it pains me, I simply don’t have the time necessary this season to give Angel the reviewage attention it deserves (as you can see from the above bit, I have a very busy schedule to maintain!). If it helps, here is how I feel about Cordy and Connor: Blech. Also, gak. Truth be told, I’m kind of annoyed at what’s happened to Cordy’s character. I dig that she’s gettin’ down with the fighting and such, but transforming her into Saint Cordy has stripped her of the Bitch Goddess persona that I so adore.