Cool? Not Cool? Always Cool.
July 26, 2002
OK, IT Lists seem to be the bee’s knees these days. People love lists and love to see who or what’s Cooler than Jesus. Hell, E! has created an entire show around that concept. We here at EG are no different. As a result, consider the following list of random Geek Chic, presented by your surly neighborhood schisseman, Ivan Sian.
Past Cool: Linux. OK, I’m gonna be flamed like a Whopper for saying this, but I’ve given up on Linux. Redhat’s stock price is in the toilet, and I haven’t seen any new Linux-related app that makes me say, “Whoa.”
Soon To Be Cool: Windows XP. Yeah, I discovered that resistance is futile.
Always Cool: BASIC. 10 “BASIC Rules!!” 20 goto 10. Run.
Past Cool: Thai Food. By the Pad Priking of my thumb, I was driving through the heart of Georgia not too long ago and exited off to get some gas. Right there next to the frickin’ Cracker Barrel was a Thai restaurant. Thai food, though good, has reached the point where any yahoo has an opinion about red vs. yellow curries.
Soon To Be Cool: Filipino food. Yeah, I’m biased, having been raised on the stuff, but I can’t think of any other Asian food that the white man hasn’t co-opted yet (and that includes Vietnamese Pho). Filipino food can be pretty friendly to the American palate, since it’s just a combination of Chinese food and Spanish food. Now all we need is some handsome, charismatic Filipino to break out onto the scene to bring these foods to the masses. Unfortunately, I can’t cook.
Always Cool: Sushi. It suffers from an ’80s post-Yuppie backlash, but I still dig it. And because it’s, well, raw fish, there will always be an exclusivity about eating the stuff.
Past Cool: Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. It was hot there for a while, Regis’ gnome-like little mug plastered all over primetime. But before long, it went the way of, “Chuck, I’ll take that ceramic dog for $300.”
Soon to Be Cool: Supermarket Sweep. Supermarket Sweep is one of the most oddly addictive game show watching experiences on the planet. The prizes pretty much suck (the cash grand prize is basically worth two questions onJeopardy), but everyone is so goddamn perky, it’s hypnotizing. Not to mention, who among us has never dreamed about running rampant through a grocery store? I mean, ever since that one episode of Laverne & Shirley where they won that shopping spree..
Always Cool: There were many candidates for this category: Double Dare — the original game show of Physical Challenges (screw you, Dog Eat Dog!). Jeopardy — Art Fleming or Alex Trebek, this one’s got staying power. The one I picked, though, is the obscure yet paradoxically popular Press Your Luck. The show that brought us the phrase “No Whammies!” must be honored.
Past Cool: Jeri Ryan. Though I was more of a Dax man myself, 36 of DD certainly had her time in the sun. Unfortunately, it was on Voyager. Now she’s on Boston Public, looking like the hottest teacher to ever walk the planet. But since David E. Kelley shows annoy the crap out of me, she might as well still be in the Collective.
Soon to Be Cool: Morena Baccarin. OK, I don’t know exactly what this chick looks like; I’ve only seen a couple of small pics online. But she plays a “companion” (aka whore) on Joss Whedon’s Firefly, and I trust the guy who cast Charisma Carpenter, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Alyson Hannigan to cast the role of a whore correctly.
Always Cool: That green chick in Star Trek: TOS. Before the Shatner/Nichols groundbreaking interracial kiss, we had Captain Pike humpin’ on Green Orion Slave Girls. Now that’s crossing the color line. Honorable mention: Erin Gray. Mmmmmm…I’d Buck her Roger. I don’t even know what that means.
Past Cool: Micro-Brews. I’m probably gonna be torn a new asshole, virtual though it may be, but micro-brews have gone the way of cigars and martinis. Yeah, you’ll always have beer snobs, just like you’ll have cigar and martini snobs, but micro-brews just seem so damn…90s.
Soon to Be Cool: Tiki drinks. They’re hard to prepare, and it’s not easy to be a real man with a bamboo umbrella in your drink. However, if you can pull off being a real man with an umbrella in your drink, then you’ve got balls the size of canned hams. Besides, name another drink where a chick willingly decides consumes 151 Proof booze. I love you, Tiki drinks.
Always Cool: PBR. Pabst Blue Ribbon is one of the few drinks that cross all socioeconomic lines. Ironic enough for the Kenneth Cole crowd, cheap enough for Rusty Wallace set.
Past Cool: Swing. I hate to say it, ’cause I’m still a killer swing dancer, but swing is long gone, Daddio. Unfortunately, I still see its effects in the form of frat boys who dance with their dates at bars. You can totally tell that some past girlfriend dragged their rhythmically-challenged asses to some now dimly remembered swing lesson, and now they think they shouldn’t be embarrassed to trip the light craptastic out in public. Puh-leaze. Let swing die a natural death, already.
Soon to Be Cool: Locking. No, I’m not talking popping, I’m talking its very close brother, I’m talking Rerun-quality, What’s Happenin’-era lockin’. Once the kids who are break dancing out in those drum & bass clubs re-discover this, it’ll be all over.
Always Cool: The Robot. You can mash potato, do the jerk, do the alligator, and people will try to tackle you and stick a pencil in your mouth to keep you from biting your tongue. However, you can still Robot out in public and people will recognize it for what it is, for what’s that worth.