Your Passions Report (3/4)

Timmy, nooooooooo!

By Matt Springer
March 04, 2002

We begin today’s “adventure” in a coffee shop. Hey, I thought this was a supernatural soap, not an episode of Friends! I want some spells, I want some excitement, I want some Zombie Charity! Right quick!

Fortunately, I don’t have long to wait, as we’re soon treated to Luis having a creepy/sick/riotous flashback to him and his lovah, Sheridan. Get this–he puts handcuffs on her, saying something like, “This is one way I can keep you near.” The whole time, she’s smiling like he’s just proposed, when what he’s actually done is to CONNECT HER TO HIM WITH HIS HANDCUFFS.

Hmmm…possessive boyfriend who’s a COP who’s not afraid to use his HANDCUFFS to make sure you are “near”? Sheridan, run!

And run she does…or rather, she vanishes. Was she a ghost? A memory? A bad actress? I’m aiming for the latter. Anyway, I clearly have some catch-up reading to do on the web, cause I have no idea what just happened, other than some sadomasochism.

Luis is a scream, though–remember how Julian Crane was Lil Shat? Well, Luis is a Lil Estrada–he’s like a young, hunky Erik in his glory days on CHIPS. Unfortunately, this clown he’s “socializing” with, Hank, is deader than death on a dead doornail. Very boring, very monosyllabic, very not worthy of the high melodramatic standards we have come to expect from Passions. Did this guy provide handjobs to a few producers so’s he could land this role, or what? Bleah.

So Lil Estrada and Hank the Crank are chatting about how much Lil E misses Sheridan, and then we get to see Sheridan on the island, where she’s known as Diana and works as a waitress because she lost her memory. Yep.

What I love, though, is that you can tell you’re at some kind of tropical resort, because all they play is Bob Marley’s greatest hits CD. Seriously–every time they cut to the island, the man is crooning. It’s hilarious, because clearly they think that the “islandfolk” only listen to Marley, and yet it somehow rings true, because when you go to the tropics, all you hear is Marley where the tourists hang out. So they got it wrong and right at the same time somehow.

Do you care? No. You want to hear more about…Zombie Charity! I’m getting there, I promise.

Sheridan’s on the island, no memory, called Diana, waitress. And she’s supernervous because, like, she’s never worked a day in her life! That she remembers. Ha! But the hunky bartender Brian is all over helping her out. Sure, hottie shows up with no memory, needs help figuring out how to waitress, he pitches in–naw, why would he have ulterior motives?

Okay, now I’m babbling, and you want Zombie Charity action as much as I wanna give it to ya. Sheridan has a weird dream where she’s in Titanic–they say she’s “on the Titanic,” but bugger that, she’s dressed up like she’s in the damn movie. Cameron should lay the legal smack down. Meanwhile, Luis is still moaning over Sheridan, and thinking of dating Beth, who ironically is also a waitress and works at the coffee shop where Luis and the lunk are slurping java.

Meanwhile, Whitney (Houston) is at home and Chad has surfaced to collect his stuff, since he figures the fam won’t want him around, seeing as they think he spiked Whitney’s drink so he could take advantage of her. Little do they know, she’s really just a skank. Chad invites Whitney to go with him and pursue her singing career.

And Zombie Charity! She’s all on the Julian Crane tip, seducing Theresa slowly but surely with evil and glee. Timmy and Tabitha are watching the proceedings and Timmy is ascared that he’s gonna get taken away from Tabitha, since Zombie Charity is dividing all the other couples. So he goes and looks at the magic scrolls, and hears himself! Screaming! Like this: “Aowierlkasd;fja;ffankajlkajshdf!” And he’s very very worried.

See, Timmy likes good, and Tabitha likes evil. Get it?