Your Passions Report (3/8)

Wow. Good really IS dumb.

By Matt Springer
March 09, 2002
I’ve been told that Fridays on most soaps are big days, but that they also end often in a cliffhanger.

Well, lookit me. All hangin’ and cliffy and all that.

But before we can hang off a cliff, there’s forty-four minutes of nothing much happening to watch. Eve, Ivy, Rebecca, TC, Sam, Grace, John, David, Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Jesus Christ are all standing around at the hospital waiting for the results on the DNA test that will tell us once and for all that John is not actually Grace’s son.

Grace, hon, if I was you, I would be GLAD this kid is not my son. He’s pretty damned stupid, especially since all he’s ever said is some kind of variation on, “I know Grace is my mom. Why would my dad lie? Sigh.” Whatta maroon.

And it’s easy to forget that Ivy and Rebecca actually showed up at the hospital to crash a Crane board meeting, but that they’ve now just been standing/sitting around for days scowling and talking to the camera, Rebecca especially.

Ah! But Ivy has something in an envelope that will convince Eve to change the DNA test results. What could it be? Pictures? A tape? The location of her love baby with Julian Crane? We may never know.

Meanwhile, Luis and Hank the Walking, Mumbling Hunk of Dead Wood head over to the Lopez-Fitzgerald household and gush to Theresa in the wake of her suicide attempt. Rather, Luis and his mother Pilar gush while Hank TWMHODW stands around, adds meaningless comments, and then helps Pilar bake cookies AND make hot chocolate.

Hank, you got a great future as a housefather.

Basically, this episode is a huge build-up to everyone going to the Seascape restaurant for dinner. Seriously–every Tom, Dick and Zombie Harry in Harmony is gonna be at this restaurant. So Monday should be one heck of a big day.

Of course, Diana/Sheridan and Brian can’t make it to the restaurant because they’re on the most dismal tropical paradise ever concieved. And they can’t make it period, because Diana/Sheridan doesn’t really LOVE Brian, like she said yesterday–she loves him for helping her keep her JOB.

Then why’d you say “I love you” like thirty times, beeyotch? I swear, this chick doesn’t just need schooling in waitressing–she needs schooling in life. And fashion, too. I found myself very distracted by her white/red print tight-ass pants today. It looks like Strawberry Shortcake puked on her ass.

One special treat on this particular episode of Passions was an encounter between Tabitha and one of the townsfolk, namely Theresa, who has been running around like the braindead dreamer she is asking anyone who will listen, “Would you do something horrible if it meant getting back someone you love?”

Naturally, Tabby–who has made her way into the house under the pretext that she needs sugar for the cookies she’s baking for shut-ins, riiiiiiiiiight–tells Theresa that she too misses a man she loved, “Frankie,” and that she’d do anything to get him back. Her bravura performance leads us to the Passions Report Line of the Day, from Timmy:

“Somewhere, there’s a can mising a ham.”

You said it, pal. And I think that ham’s name is “Every Actor or Actress On Passions.”

Your Passions Report is posted daily or maybe weekly. If you are looking for true episode summaries, visit this fine site early and often. Many thanks to Ginna for her crash course in Passions, televised and otherwise.