Star Wars Day: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Jedi

Sarah and Diana debate the relative merits of their favorite SW Universe lust objects.

By Sarah Kuhn and Diana Estigarribia
May 17, 2002

On the eve of the Attack of the Clones premiere, EG’s very own Sarah and Diana gathered for a highly academic discussion regarding one of the most crucial aspects of the Star Wars universe.

Specifically, of all the charming lust objects who have paraded past us during the franchise’s run, who’s the most crush-worthy? Who inspires more inappropriate fanfic? Who really gets our intrepid staffers’ midichlorians a’buzzin’? You can bet your Jawas some interesting chat went down. Here’s what transpired.

Diana: OK. Let’s set the stage. I don’t actually remember when I first saw Star Wars, amazingly enough. Or when I developed my Luke crush. I just remember it was “there.” I used to stare at his picture at night, supposedly after I had to sleep, with a flashlight. It was in Starlog.

Sarah: You had a Luke crush? I was more a Han sorta gal. What attracted you to him? The floppy hair? The pensive gazes?

Diana: He seemed accessible. And I loved the sandy blonde hair.

Sarah: Did you relate to him, then?

Diana: Oh, yes. like that wistful stare at the twin suns of Tatooine. And he didn’t have a ‘tude, like Han did.

Sarah: Oh, I loooooved the ‘tude — Han had a real man-o-the-world thing going on. And I just find Harrison Ford more appealing, aesthetically.

Diana: The Han thing did not hit me until I was an adult. I was watching Empire — I must have been in my twenties — and there’s that scene where he is fixing the hyperdrive, straddling whatever, and it’s a direct shot of his fine ass. Oh yeah, I noticed him then!

Sarah: Fine ass, always well-showcased in those tighty pirate pants. I also loved the “my hands are dirty” scene. I think I wore my tape of Empire out just rewinding it over and over. I also find his character arc more compelling — there’s nothing quite so appealing as a bad boy turned noble.

Diana: True, true. That’s funny, because what you like is exactly what I hated. That scene always made me uncomfortable. I was too naive to realize that Leia wanted him, but couldn’t deal with it.

Sarah: I was just always blown away by that kiss following it — you know, The Kiss, the one they always use in the home video promos when the announcer goes “…and romance!” Even as a young ‘un, that kiss knocked my little socks off. It seemed so much more from the gut than the smooch Leia lays on Luke in the beginning of Empire.

Diana: Well, of course…when she kisses Luke she’s angry and all that. But you know, I liked it that in the beginning, Luke wasn’t afraid to be like, “Hey, you’re a cool chick, I like you,” and she was like, “Hey I like you back, you’re a hero.” The whole acting-like-we-hate-each-other got on my nerves.

Sarah: Ha Ha, I loved that (the love/hate thing). Maybe because it hadn’t been sitcommed to death yet.

Diana: It’s a certain style of relationship. What do you think of “I love you,” and “I know?” I still hate him for that!

Sarah: I do think it’s fitting with the character. If I was Leia I would have been pissed, though — none of this “I’m gonna dress up like a bounty hunter and save your ass” thing. Apologize to me first!

Diana: Exactly, I mean, you’re probably gonna die, this is the last thing you’re gonna say to me, and your response is “I know?” You fuck! Today I of course realize what was going on but I still have echoes of my childhood impressions. Even now when I watch the movies — an important scene for me is the when they’re preparing to go to Endor. I love the part where Luke comes back from Dagobah, and he knows now who Leia is, and she jumps up to greet him when he says, “I’m with you, too.” and she immediately asks, “What’s wrong?” And he says, “Ask me again sometime.” The character of Luke is just made to feel so much more, and that’s what will always, always appeal to me. (Sorry, Han!)

Sarah: I just love Han’s everyday-guy-forced-to-become-extraordinary-by-circumstance deal. I mean, of course Luke is going to be tortured. Blah blah blah, fake hand, blah. But with Han, he really turns into a hero in the end — I love the scene where he thinks Leia’s in love with Luke and offers to step aside. Gets me every time!

Diana: Yes!! I love that too. He finally gets his comeuppance for “I know.”

Sarah: Totally. She gets him back without even knowing it. “You love him don’t you?” “Yes.” (So matter-of-fact, ha!) And then his expression when they’re kissing afterwards is gold — he doesn’t really get it until mid-smooch.

Diana: That whole scene is gold. “I’m sure he wasn’t on that thing when it blew.” “I know…I can feel it.” Ah! I love that shit. I’m an only child, so I also romanticize having a sibling you love unconditionally.

Sarah: Heh. I have a brother, so it hits me a little differently (ew, she kissed him! Gross!). As far as Luke as lust object, though, the one thing that did appeal to me is that he was, um, available. I mean, until they did all those follow-up novels and such, you could much more easily position yourself in the SW mythos as Luke’s soulmate.

Diana: Yes, I hear you. The end of Jedi is so great for that…how Leia is the one who brings Luke back into the fold from his telepathic communication with the Jedi master triumvirate. Another reason I love Luke — he’s got that I’m-destined-to-be-alone thing, which is really attractive to me. But I guess now we learn that he couldn’t fall in love or marry, even if he wanted to…

Sarah: Doesn’t he marry Mara Jade? Well, in the “expanded universe,” anyway…yes, it’s all coming back to me. They got married in a rather wretched comics miniseries I had to review. Or are you referring to whatever they’re babbling about in AOTC? Forbidden love and such?

Diana: Yeah, how come Luke’s married but Anakin’s gotta be celibate?

Sarah: I assume we’ll learn when Jedi Sex Laws changed or morphed or whatever. This offers a nice transition into the new SW mythos, though. How do you feel about the would-be hotties of TPM/AOTC?

Diana: Ewan all the way…who knew Alec Guinness was a much hotter Ewan McGregor? When I heard he was cast in TPM, I nearly dropped on my knees and kissed the ground.

Sarah: I know, he really is fabulous. My one and only reason for watching TPM twice in theaters.

Diana: In his case, it has nothing to do with the character. It’s all the actor.

Sarah: Right, he manages to imbue Obi-Wan with his rakish Ewan charm. It’s just a glint in the eyes in TPM…a very Ewan trait that seems to pop up in many of his characters. And it looks like he’ll be getting more action in AOTC.

Diana: Here’s how I would term my SW men thing now: Luke = emotional; Ewan = sexual.

Sarah: And Hayden?

Diana: Good-looking kid. But I’m 12 years older than he is, so I wonder what my reaction will be…

Sarah: He’s pretty-boy cute. Seems a little WB assembly line to me. And he sounds sort of like he’s fake crying in his emotional scenes in the previews. The jury’s out on him.

Diana: I’ve heard there’s lot of whining going on. But can it be worse than the immortal “I was going to Toshi station…?” I guess whining runs in the family.

Sarah: Ha! The Luke whining always cracked me up. The Hayden whining, though, is supposed to seem all dark, right? I’m not getting that from the previews, he just sounds like, well…like “I was going to Toshi station…”

Diana: “…damn it! You better let me go to Toshi Station, Obi-Wan, or I’ll…I’ll…”

Sarah: So that’s how the Republic fell!

Diana: Ha! Well, he is sort of a “serious” actor, so that might change my mind.

Sarah: I suppose. He was OK in that Life as a House movie. But again with the fake crying! Maybe his real crying just sounds fake. So I guess we can safely say that you get Luke, I get Han, and we can split Ewan…?

Diana: That kid playing Owen Lars looks kinda cute… Actually, that whole Owen and Beru casting looks very cute. I wish their parts were bigger. It would be nice to have a secondary romance in the film, but I’m sure fanfic will take of that from here. Now if only they can figure out a way to cast Robert Patrick in Ep III, the world would be nearly perfect…

Sarah: Robert Patrick as, um…Uncle Fett!

Diana: Ha, yeah, fantasy casting. You’ve heard the Hugh Jackman rumors…what hunk would you put in there?

Sarah: Oh, I am loving the Hugh Jackman. My vote right now would probably be for Michael Vartan (Vaughn on Alias). He has the most charming forehead wrinkles.

Diana: Patrick has those too, you know…Doggett spends a lot of time frowning. I think he’d make a great villain or pseudo-villain. Robin Gurland is the casting director, right? Let’s email her! Not enough hunks in the cast. And in the next movie Ewan will have to act another 10 or 20 years older.

Sarah: Right. Um…bigger beard?

Diana: Whiter hair? Oh, poor Ewan.

Sarah: Maybe just a big skunk streak, a la Data in the TNG finale.

Diana: Oh, lordy! Those Jedi monk’s robes are hot, though. I think it’s the boots.

Sarah: Isn’t it always the boots?

Diana: Yeah. You know, leather always seems to be the “sexual” fabric, but here the Jedi wear cotton, and it’s sexy.

Sarah: Natch, it’s the fabric of our lives! Now with 98 percent more midichlorians.

Diana: Ha! Oh, you know, we forgot Sam Jackson.

Sarah: Well, he’s only in two seconds of TPM. But I am all for more Mace Windu action.

Diana: There is something sexy about him.

Sarah: There really is. He does a lot for bald.

Diana: It’s not a crush thing, like Luke, and it’s not a sexual thing, like Ewan, it’s something more…elusive.

Sarah: He’s just very charismatic. You sense there’s a lot going on with that character.

Diana: Yeah, what’s he done to earn his right hand place at Yoda’s side?

Sarah: Exactly. Should we wrap up? Anything we haven’t touched on? Any final thoughts?

Diana: I will always love Luke. I will always want to bed Ewan.

Sarah: And Hayden? What should we do with him?

Diana: I think that we save for NC-17 fanfic.

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