Your Passions Report (3/7)

He’s from the streets, yo. He wears an earring.

By Matt Springer
March 09, 2002

“I don’t want or need you to bail me out again,” Diana/Sheridan said to Brian in the episode’s opening moments.

Hon, you’re the most crapola waitress I’ve ever seen. Maybe you need a hand, eh?

And so she gets one, in the form of bartender Brian, who is actually Luis and Theresa’s no-goodnik brother, though he seems pretty yes-goodnik to me so far. I bet there’s just some misunderstanding.

Thus begins another installment of Passions.

Brian goes on to kiss menopausal ass and persuade two shrewish old bags that they should actually recommend this horrific tropical restaurant, the kind of place that even tourists shouldn’t be caught dead in. Ah, young love.

And his work pays off, because Diana/Sheridan tells him that she loves him. Score! Which for some reason causes Luis to have warm fuzzies back in Harmony. Weird.

In other news, there’s finally some excitement in that awful Whitney (Houston) Gets Drugged storyline. TC and Chad have a confrontation in the hospital, and can you say fireworks? Can you say shouting match? I sure can.

See, Chad’s from the streets, yo. He dropped out of high school to live with da people. He’s all from da hood.

But TC never had two nickels to rub together when he was a kid, and he still learned how to work! So Chad best be steppin’, yo.

Both these guys are just too street for me.

Meanwhile, Zombie Charity, Tabitha and Timmy watch with glee as Whitney (Houston) and Theresa discuss their various romantic choices, and you’ll forgive me if I say that it looks like both their love lives are pretty fricked up. Theresa’s choices are to give up on Ethan or do an evil plan cooked up by Zombie Charity to get him back, and Whitney’s choices are to give up on Chad or flit away with him to New York to pursue a singing career.

What, there’s not one normal cute guy in Harmony who doesn’t want to get embroiled in some f-ed up storyline about Hell and drugs? I can’t buy that.

For that matter, if Tabby and Timmy are so nervous about what Zombie Charity might do to them, why doesn’t the Princess cook up some bad-ass evil magic to screw Zombie Charity for good? Tabitha is no one’s sniveling toady! No one, I tells ya!

And they’re about ready to do the DNA test to find out whether that kid is the kid of Grace and David, or Ivy and David. Really, that David dude creeps me out no end. He fakes a son and a relationship with Grace, and just for Ivy’s evil ends, and why? Apparently he has a secret to cover up.

Listen, sometimes I pick my nose and sometimes I eat it, but it doesn’t mean that if someone sees me do it, I’m gonna concoct a false life just to keep the sneaky nose-picker-watcher from blabbing my weaknesses all over the land.

Nose-picking analogies…that’s my cue to evaporate.

Your Passions Report is posted daily or maybe weekly. If you are looking for true episode summaries, visit this fine site early and often. Many thanks to Ginna for her crash course in Passions, televised and otherwise.